One part of running this blog that I absolutely love is that I have ability to process my feelings that can be particularly difficult to say out loud. This blog helps to help me and is almost a form of therapy and this week’s blog is unfortunately a negative one.
I suppose I am just struggling with the mental side effects of being diabetic. I have had a lot of positive interactions recently, especially with my new work colleagues, but it’s the strain of keeping yourself alive, every single day, it’s the additional decisions that need to be thought about on an hourly basis, it’s the strain of lack of sleep, the strain of day-to-day life.
At the minute I can only complete the bare minimum effort required for keeping me to be a fully functioning human. I am not missing mealtime boluses, but I have to say, I sometimes see that my blood sugars are high, and I just cannot even comprehend this. Part of me wants to be able to just have one day where I do not have a care in the world for my diabetes, but I know I will just end up in hospital in ITU if that were to happen.
I have a lot more respect and self-love at the minute which I really appreciate; if I was feeling like this 5 years ago, I’d embrace the feeling of disappointment, anger and resentment. I would beat myself up for it by not looking after myself. Not giving insulin for days on end causing plenty of internal damage to organs. I am actually scared for the potential damage I may have caused on the inside, but thankfully that is something I’ll never have to know.
Life with diabetes is hard and this feeling needs to be embraced. Life isn’t simple unfortunately, life with diabetes is full of questions. I have a day where my sugars are really good and I think that I am getting over this slump but then its back to this new rubbish routine of impossible blood sugars. It’s hard, it’s really hard but unfortunately this will always be my life.
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