We have recently been stuck on the M25 for hours which always provokes thoughts.
I was sat thinking about the last time I ended up in hospital due to DKA or diabetes related issues. For me that was around 4 years ago, ketones of 7.6 and very poorly. That experience was one to shake me into thinking that if I carried on like I was going to die. I know it does not seem like a long time but for years during my teens, I was admitted to hospital several times a year for DKA. So, for me, 4 years not in admission is a long time!
But this had me thinking it has been such a long time since, which I am happy about and definitely worth celebrating, but unfortunately, I am not in a great place with my diabetes, and I can’t get out my head when will my next admission be?
I mean I still can’t get that out my head. When will that be? How will it go? Will it be just as serious?
I am starting to struggle with my diabetes and what I used to really struggle with is that I will never not be a diabetic. How horrible will my skin be with the constant injections since 4 years old. Will it be just as lumpy, just as painful? How will I run a household? Diabetes is all consuming and I am struggling to comprehend what my life will be like 40 years down the line.
I have so much to be looking forwards to in the next few months, but I cannot get the thought of having to live with diabetes out of head. I know I will be back in hospital at some point with DKA, that is an inevitable for me, but when will that be?
Unfortunately, as I have been diabetic for long, I have a very strong dislike of my diabetes, sometimes its less than others but its at its worst at the minute. Every injection, every Dexcom change, every time an alarm goes off, every second spent trying to sort out my diabetes just feels far too much. I just feel so drained right now, but I am hoping this feeling passes.
I can’t stop thinking what my life would be like if I wasn’t a diabetic, what would my mental health be like, what would I be doing now? But life is full of what ifs? There are reasons why I am happy that I was diagnosed, if you want to read them please check out my Positives post.
I am hoping that I will cheer up soon and have happier posts to write for you!
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