The topic of eating disorders can be extremely distressing to those suffering, if reading about another experience will either bring back bad memories or be harmful to you – please do not read it. If not this was a difficult post to write about as diabulimia has been such a big part of my life but I hope it can help others avoid the grasps of it.
Diabulimia is not talked about enough, not only is it not acknowledged as an eating disorder, but clinicians are not discussing the impacts of diabulimia to patients. Because of this failure and ignorance to the disorder, many people are suffering in silence and are not getting the help they so desperately need!
I speak from personal experience here, I am aware that everybody’s experiences are different and will not be the same.
For those who don’t know what diabulimia is,
“Where the diabetic purposely does not take insulin in order to loose weight”
This definition has been written by myself as the definitions out there from the likes of Diabetes UK are not inclusive and I do not think it is an accurate representation of the illness.
Diabetes UK claims that only Type 1 diabetics can go onto developing Diabulimia, this is not the case. Still to this day, one of the largest Diabetes charities are being ignorant to other types of diabetes that exist. There is no reference to Type 3c – where part or the entire pancreas has been removed, inflicting diabetes upon the person.
Diabulimia can only be experienced by those who need to administer insulin to stay alive. Those suffering or beginning to suffer from diabulimia miss injections/avoid certain food groups to help weight-loss. Unfortunately when you enter into this mindset it is very difficult to change it, I found the only way for me to see what dangerous situation I was in, was a DKA admission to Geneva hospital. Which will be discussed in another blog post in due course!
My Journey with Diabulimia
My journey with diabulimia started when I was aged 12 with many comments being made about my diabetes from fellow students at school. Saying I must have been a fat 4 year old, or that’s the type my grandma has – you know the classic! But these unnecessary and harmful comments stuck with me for a long time. I hated the fact I was different and disabled so I decided to hide my diabetes. Once I discovered that running my blood sugars at a higher level helped with weight-loss, unfortunately I used it to my disadvantage and only used it to make the situation much worse.
When the blood sugars run at a higher level for a sustained period of time, your body isn’t able to use nutrients from food eaten so starts to burn through the fat stores inside your body instead. With my blood sugars slowly creeping higher and higher I started to loose much more weight. Although I was never stick thin, I was definitely underweight. I was making conscious decision to avoid high caloric foods and exercising much more than normal.
The constant battle in the back of mind was so unbelievably difficult, it’s all I could think about was that I didn’t deserve my insulin. That I was not worthy of taking it. Every injection felt like torture and I just wanted it all to end. I was self-harming myself through damaging my body by high blood sugars. I was very poorly for many years, with at least 1 DKA visit a year for 4 years, sometimes having 3-4 visits. Ending up in hospital felt like my escapism, that I had done a good job.
My Recovery
My recovery from this period is a very difficult one, I am still struggling to come to terms with it and even now I still have days where I don’t want to give insulin etc but I am determined not to let diabulimia win.
For recovery, I had a very scary life-threatening experience which put everything into perspective for me. I was in therapy for several years trying to understand how I felt and how to improve these feelings, I have written many diaries which I will never open again, started a lot of mindfulness to improve my self-image. Its been a long road and I still have not reached my destination but that is okay!
Personal Recommendations for Beginning Recovery
If you are struggling with diabulimia, please speak to your GP, clinicians, friends, family, dog or diary – write down how you are feeling and this is the first step to recovery. Start repeating affirmations, ‘I can do this’ or ‘I am worth this injection’ etc – find something that works for you. It will not work instantly but overtime it will make a difference. Make time in your day for mediation or mindfulness – yoga for example. Just make time for yourself.
It’s a difficult journey but you cannot suffer alone, if you want to share your experiences or recovery in the comment box below, please do. Or want to send me a private message, this can be done through my social medias, linked at the top and bottom of the page.
You are not alone
I have linked the Diabetes UK webpage for further information if you need it.
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Blog of a Type 1 